The Greatest Rivalries in College Football

Readers of my blog know I am a huge Alabama football fan. By now you can guess what I will be doing this afternoon since Alabama plays its biggest rival, Auburn, on national television. Whether you are a football fan or not the Southeastern Conference (SEC) rivalries are notorious for their show and passion. And good jokes are abundant in the SEC.

Earlier this year a special edition of Sports Illustrated featured several SEC football teams on its cover and then marketed these special editions to the fans of a particular school and region. I made sure that my brother got me the special Alabama issue and I have enjoyed it immensely.

In a feature on SEC rivalries the writer says: “SEC rivalries divide families, strain marriages, test lifelong friendships and inspire bloodless insults—many of which involve illumination.” He goes on to provide a series of light-bulb jokes about SEC schools. Here they are:

How many college students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

At South Carolina is takes 80,000. One to screw in the bulb and 79,999 to discuss how this will finally be the year that they have a decent football team.

At Vanderbilt it takes two. One to change the bulb and one to explain how they did it every bit as well as any Ivy Leaguer.

At Alabama it takes five. One to change it, three to reminisce about how Bear Bryant would have done it and one to throw the old bulb at an NCAA investigator.

At Auburn it takes 100. One to screw in the bulb, 40 to talk about how they do it better than ‘Bama and 50 to realize it’s all a lie, get looped and roll Toomer’s Corner.

At Ole Miss it takes six . One to change the bulb, two to mix the drinks and three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.

At Mississippi State it takes 15. One to screw it in, two to buy the Skoal and 12 to yell, “Go to Hell, Ole Miss, Go to hell!”

At Georgia it takes three. One to screw in the bulb and two to phone a friend at Georgia Tech for instructions.

At Florida it takes four. One to change it and three to figure out how to get high off the old one.

At Tennessee it takes 20. Two to figure out how to screw it in, two to buy an orange lampshade and six to phone a radio call-in show and talk about how much they hate Alabama.

At Kentucky it takes 8. One to screw it in and seven to discuss how much brighter it shines during basketball season.

At LSU it takes seven—and each one gets credit for four semester hours.

At Arkansas it takes none. There is no electricity in Arkansas.